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Still, most asexuals are interested in having relationships. Regardless of gender and sexual orientation, I think people who are not interested in sex fall on the more asexual side of things. ZV: It will be a deal-breaker for people who are very interested in sex and who are also not interested in having maybe an open relationship. Once you figure out why you're feeling jealous, you can then tackle the roots of those issues, and you'll have much better success dealing with your jealousy.Ĭan Sex With Other Women Can Save My Relationship? I’m gay and not interested in sex at all. That's simply acknowledging that your needs are not being met at the moment. Is it a matter of being afraid this person will leave you, and you have abandonment issues? Or is that you're not getting your needs met? You know, there's a difference between being jealous and being like, "Hey, you're spending five days a week with your other partner, and I would like to see you more, and I need more from you." And that's not actually being jealous. And I think jealousy offers, as you said, a good opportunity for reflection and introspection, and you can figure out why you're feeling jealous. It's certainly an unpleasant emotion, but we're not powerless against it. Are we going to punch people in the face, or will we downregulate that anger somehow? We can deal with jealousy, just like we can deal with any other negative emotion.
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We sometimes feel anger, right? And it's all about what we do with that anger. ZV: One commenter is saying here that jealous is a very bad emotion. I know my partner loves me, and I hate that I'm getting jealous.” Cut yourself a little bit of slack. Often I hear people being like, “Yeah, I'm poly, and I'm getting jealous. But if you just experience jealousy, that's normal. If you end up going into a hole, feeling insecure and worthless and not deserving of your partner, that's bad. If you lash out and blame your partner and project your insecurities onto them, that's bad. It's how you handle your jealousy that can then turn into something very bad or negative. And I always like to say that jealousy in and of itself is not a bad emotion. And, over time, as you see you’re not going to lose your partner if they have sex with someone else, you often get better at dealing with your jealousy. It's not a very pleasant process dealing with jealousy, but it's a gratifying process because you get to a higher level of understanding of yourself or your partner. But then the other way is to think of it as an opportunity for growth and for understanding what your insecurities are and then try to overcome them with reassurance from your partner, processing your feelings, and emotional regulation strategies. That way you can have a relationship where you set rules and boundaries where your partner is not going to do those things. So knowing which types of people, situations, or acts trigger your jealousy. So it's a very natural reaction to have, and there are two different approaches to dealing with jealousy. So we've been built to feel distressed when we fear that we might be losing our partner. We have jealousy because it was evolutionary adaptive for us as humans. Then once they start doing it, it is one of the greatest issues that they deal with because most of us are jealous to some extent. ZV: Jealousy is the greatest obstacle for people who are thinking about becoming ethically non-monogamous. How do I deal with the jealousy that comes from ethical non-monogamy? I was joined by Zhana Vrangalova, PhD, a NYC-based sex and relationships consultant, speaker, and writer. This is an edited and condensed transcription from last week's "Sexplain It Live," which was recorded on Men's Health 's Instagram. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form. Ask me anything-literally, anything-and I will gladly Sexplain It. I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner," because you know that already.
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In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it).